Not Fair...Not Fair at All

The most unfair thing in the entire world is loving someone who doesn't truly love you back. The last several months, I have known the feeling of being ignored by people to who claim to care about me, I have been yelled at by people who claim to care about me, I have been used by people who claim to care about me...the problem is, am I a "glutton for punishment"? I still care for these people. I still love them unconditionally. How do I pull away from that? I know none of that treatment is rightfully deserved on my part, as I continue to give every piece of my heart.

Someone or something is always "better than I am". Why is that? I am constantly hearing "You are too good for this, Kirsten, you deserve better" But then, those people I love coincidentally believe that they deserve better than me. Not sure how ironic you believe this actually is, but for me, it's a habitual circle. One trap that I continuously fall in because I am a "sucker", I am a lover, not a fighter and believe that loving someone with all of your heart and soul is the only way to go. What has to give?

If I could help that I care about these people, I would. I also realize caring about them is a choice, a choice that I seemingly do not want to help. I believe that if I stop caring about and loving them that one day they will need me and I have to be there for those who need me, no matter how I have been treated. This demonstrates, in my opinion, God's love for us and I strive to show that to them every day of my life. It brings a lot of hurt to my heart when I feel like I am only needed temporarily or needed to validate someone's feelings for someone else. What does someone like me do to deal with kind of thing on a daily basis?

Distraction is a wonderful thing, but distraction is obviously not permanent. You want to show someone you love and care for them, but there is only so much you can do before your inner self begins to deteriorate from being so stressed/worn/drained. It's about time for a permanent fix for this. I am tired...

Life is Like This...

Life is definitely a crazy wonder sometimes. A lot has happened in just the last month. My job contract got extended to December of 2012 and I am really hoping I will get a permanent position with bioMérieux at some point. I really like my co-workers and I enjoy the work I am doing. The sad reality has been that I have been at a constant struggle as far as life in general is concerned. Sometimes it feels totally surreal and I wonder if I am doing what I was set out to do. I have been struggling with the concept of love and what it means and who I do love. I have come to realize that some people do nto believe that love conquers all and they just say it does, because it feels good to say and it makes them look less insensitive. The people that love you will always be there for you and love you no matter the circumstance. That is quite rare to find outside of family anymore. Luckily, I think I am on the right path at the moment. Loving yourself is the most important thing first and foremost. I'm learning to love myself even more every day and I am getting better at it. When you can find a man that will love you for who you are, who doesn't want to change you, who think you're absolutely the most perfect creation God has ever made, please hold onto him. Losing people is hard, but if you know they don't truly love you, then it is for the better any way. Trust, it doesn't feel wonderful in the moment, but eventually, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The song of the day is:

Beautiful People by Chris Brown

Listen to it and absorb it. The world around us is a beautiful place and each one of us has a beauty somewhere. Next time you have the chance to stop, breathe in the fresh air from the outside, and thank Almighty God for giving you life even though it sucks sometimes. Life is beautiful.

Sometimes we can't describe the way we feel about anything; at least how others want to hear it. I wish there were more precise words in the dictionary to describe the way I feel at the moment. It's a nice mix of melancholy, carelessness, pain, understanding, realism, and love. Kinda a contradicting mix of feelings to have all at once huh? So, instead of writing all about it because the words aren't quite there to articulate it, I am going to include song lyrics and quotes that describe how I feel at the moment.

Girl it feel like you and I been mourning together
Inseparable, we chose pain over pleasure
For that you'll forever be, part of me
Mind ,body and soul ain't no I in we (baby)
When you cry who wipes your tears
When you scared, who's telling you
"Nothin to fear Girl I'll always be there"
When you need a shoulder to lean on
Never hesitate knowing you can call on, your soul-mate

I've been looking under rocks and breaking locks
Just tryna find ya
I've been like a manic insomniac
5 steps behind you
Tell them other girls, they can hit the exit
Check please...
Cause I finally found the girl of...my dreams
Much more than a Grammy award
That's how much you mean to me

You could be my it girl
Baby you're the shhh girl
Lovin' you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit girl
This it girl
Give me 25 to life
I just wanna rock all night long
And put you in the middle of my spotlight
You could be my it girl
You're my biggest hit girl

You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love

When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder
You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault
Wasn’t in your intentions

You the one here talking to me
You don’t wanna listen
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad
Nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook

Forgive and forget, bitch I already forgot
I'm over the bitch, and she over the top
They say love is the key, somebody changed the lock
Well, and I wish I never met ya
And I heard you're doing you, and you heard I'm doing better
And all I had to do was put two and two together
But that just makes four, but not four-ever, damn
So much for being the perfect couple
I put in overtime, I was working doubles
I wish you the best, good luck boo
Weezy F, for fuck you

Got this feeling in my heart,
Thats yearning for you
I hope that you feel the same
This yearning that I do.
If you love me
like you say you do
why don't you show me
just how much you do
If you love me unconditionally
Say that you always, always be with me

Somethin' You Forgot

Somethin' You Forgot- Lil Wayne

[Chorus] (Lil' Wayne)
I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you
I'm pretending, and that's all I can do (that's all I can do mama)
The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart (I hope you hear me)

[Lil' Wayne]
Pain, since I've lost you, I'm lost too
Nigga feelin' like he at the bottom like a horse shoe
Sorry for the trouble that I put you and your heart through
God knows that I'd do anything for a part two, or to
be prayin' for the day you come back to me, sayin' that you forgive me
Give me another chance, I'm needin' it like a kidney
I don't wanna advance, give me back her hands
Give me back her touch, I don't ask for much
but I fucked up, I know I fucked up, I admit I fucked up
but everybody fuck up, now this other nigga lucked up
Tellin' me and my clique don't give a fuck
Cause um, we from New Orleans, she was from Georgia
She was my down chick, I was her soldier
I was her gangsta, she was my shoulder
You were the pistol to my holster .. BANG!

[Chorus] (Lil' Wayne)
You've been hiding, never letting it show
Always trying, to keep it under control (I see you hidin' it mama)
You got it down, and your well on your way to the top (keep doin' your thing)
but there is something you forgot

[Lil' Wayne]
You forgot about the house, you forgot about the ring
I remember everything, I just wanna hear you sing
I remember the love, right after the fights
You can't tell me you don't remember those nights
and if I would cry, then you would cry twice
To me you are the brightest star under sunlight
See take away my title, take away my stripes
You give me back my girl and you give me back my life
Give me back my girl and you give me back my life
See this is just a nightmare, so I blink twice
Open up my eyes hopin' she'd be in my sight
I remember the time, I wish I could bring it back
What she mean to me, is what I mean to rap (what I mean to rap)

[Chorus] (Lil' Wayne)
You've been hiding, (y'know) never letting it show
Always trying (I see you hidin' it mama)
to keep it under control (but I know you know)
You got it down (I know you do)
and your well on your way to the top
(but I wish you and yours nothin' but happiness shawty)

[Verse 3:]
But I hope you haven't forgot about me up in the livin' room watchin' Sports Center
You were cookin' dinner, I was such a sinner, but the Lord is a forgiver
You know they say if you pray then you can get your blessings ordered and delivered
and your boyfriend is not like me
Ma you even went and got a teardrop like me
I remember we would sit at home all day
You called me "Butta", I called you "Bay"
My momma asked about you, my partners did too
I know your daughter will be so amazin' like you
and I know you probably wish you never met me, and I just wish you never forget me
and let me say, please don't worry 'bout the women I have been with
No engagement can amount to your friendship
and I hope that nigga know he got a queen, and all I can do is dream .. damn
[Chorus]
I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you
I'm pretending, and that's all I can do
The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart

No Day But Today

There is never really a good time to let go of your ego and admit you are wrong. Sometimes I wish everyone had it in them to be forgiving, but unfortunately, that's not how the world works. I still don't understand where everything went wrong, but I guess I am not supposed to understand. It drives me crazy to think something happened that is outside of my control and there is no logical reasoning for it. I told someone today that I hope they are doing well and that as long as they are happy then that is all that matters. It's hard to bring yourself to say that when you don't understand what has happened, but I felt a need to let them know that it is truly about forgiveness. I forgive her. She has made my life so difficult, but also contributed a lot to my life insightfully as well. I learned about a lot of things. I can now take the things I have learned and apply them to my life or think of ways to make life better. I'll always care about her, but I will never forget the way she has made me feel. It's hard not to associate her with negative feelings; feelings of panic, frustration, anger, sadness, etc. but I try to see it as a learning experience and I try to think of it like there is nothing I could have done; which there isn't.
            Sometimes you feel you are being pushed...pushed in a direction you may be weary about at first because it's not only a little foreign but also a lot familiar; but then when you decide to follow that direction willingly, wonderful things start to happen in your life. Things start to kinda fall into place and even though you may not be completely 100% comfortable all the time, the uncomfortable is God saying "Okay, so this is what I told you to do, now do it. I don't care if you like it right now. I don't care if you want to go in a different direction. You just need to do what I tell you." Sometimes when your parents tell you to do something when you're little and you don't listen and do what you want to do anyway, bad things happen right? For example, your mom might have told you "Now, don't touch that oven, it's hot. It will burn you." But because you were curious/intrigued, you did it anyway. Then you got burnt. What have you learned from this? You have learned that your curiosity has been fulfilled, but also that your mother was right. So, you then trust that the things your mother has to say and believe they are credible, but sometimes when we're immature in things, we have to try and push the intrigue/curiosity button, knowing something bad is likely to happen to us. Sometimes we have to learn on our own. There are some things that it is okay to do this with, but others are too important. There isn't always going to be that person you  thought would be there for you, there, if you decide to push the curiosity button. I was lucky...
    I played with fire, I got scorched. Not exactly what I would call fun. It's like a rollercoaster ride on steroids, but it stops on occasion, so it can move backward instead of forward; then you end up getting nowhere. I always wanted to move forward, but it was seen as a desire to move backward, but backward wasn't where I was headed. I just felt starting from square one was important, but it was not happening. I am able to start from square one now because I have essentially had no choice. I have had to re-learn who I am, what I like and don't like; and what is acceptable and unacceptable to me. I sometimes feel like I am living a surreal life, but one day it will feel completely real and satisfaction will take its course.

The Beauty of Music

So...I have a question. When you're going through a hard time...does anyone hear certain music that makes their heart sting? If so, do you find yourself wanting to desperately listen to it, but just turn the volume down, so it's like it hurts your heart a little less? But the song means so much to you lyrically, vocally, and rhythmically that you can't possibly turn it off? So, two songs do that for me, and their piano sounds very similar in the beginning. I will attach their youtube video links so you can let me know what you think. Ironically, the lyrics mean the opposite of one another.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVl5s1e0Oo4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwMsWjrlu54

The first one was shown to be by someone who used to mean the world to me, but turned out to be a liar. The second one was shown to me by a best friend and when I heard it, I couldn't bring myself to listen to the entire thing because it hurt me to hear, I didn't ever want to say I could sing that song. Now, I can say that I can. It still stings, yes, but the words are very true. Some music can sting so bad that it makes me cry, maybe "moving" is the better terminology.

It's amazing how each of these songs moves me in the same exact way, but their meanings are completely the opposite. Music has the ability to move me to my very core like that. I'm not sure if normal people have these experiences or not, but I do and sometimes they drive me crazy, because the songs I love, are sometimes difficult to listen to because of association.

If you give me the name of a song, I can tell you at which point I remember hearing that song, either as a child or what memory is esentially attached to it. Sometimes, I wonder why I attach a song to all of my memories. I guess that is how my mind and heart remember things close to me.

For example: the songs that mean a lot to me from Vegas and a couple of them "move" me are:
Last Friday Night by Katy Perry
California King Bed by Rihanna
Memories of Us by Keith Urban

If you ask me, I can tell you what memory it's attached to. I love how my brain does that as an automatic way to remember things I deem important to remember.

Right now, my heart is experiencing so many different things. It is beaming, stinging, and squeezing all at once. It's like being happy, sad, excited, and disappointed at the same time. Music is a big part of my life and it is what drives the very things I am passionate about.

If you have an appreciation for music and lyrics...holla! :)

Life Changes

                Those of you who know me, know that I love to write. Sometimes it is very spur of the moment and other times it is well thought out. The last few months have been quite hectic for me and while I began writing the first couple of those few months, my writing desires tapered off due to distractions; graduation, getting a job, a toxic relationship; you name the issue, I had it. It is now July. I am graduated, I have a job, and the toxic relationship has been over for about a month. It is amazing how much time flies and how much things change in such a short span.

                As I get ready to embark on paying my own bills and living by myself (it doesn’t sound too exciting, but it is a huge milestone), I feel as though my life is at a standstill. Going through  the motions is a regular occurrence; maybe because so much is changing and so fast. Change has been regularity in my life since I was born. I went from Japan to Tennessee, to Washington, to South Carolina, to New York, to Germany, and then lastly, to North Carolina. You would think I would welcome change, wouldn’t mind the occasional chaos, and would embrace all of the baggage that comes along with that. Truth is, I just don’t. I have dealt with a lot of emotional baggage the last few months that I have never in my life thought I would ever have to deal with. God puts people in our lives for a reason, and I’m still not sure of the purpose as to why this person was in my life.

                I mean, let’s be honest, if you know me personally, you have seen me spiral downward since about March. How does one person have the ability to wear someone down emotionally like that, to the point that they feel like it’s all something they did wrong? I have never been so forgiving and loving to another person who just constantly degraded my character and who I am. I just fed into it, like an addiction. It probably was an addiction. Addictions are hard to break, but I lived for those “feel good” moments and discarded the negative in my heart and mind. Isn’t that what drug addicts do? What I was feeding into was a constant need for attention and love from someone who has no capacity to give me anything I will ever want or need, but when that love and attention was shown just a little bit, I thrived on it. I really did love this person with all of my energy and being, therefore, it has been severely tough letting go and realizing that they weren’t good for me and that I apparently  didn’t do much of anything for them. It would have been nice to know that I had somewhat of a positive impact, but the person hates me and I’m not sure why. It is about forgiveness, though, and I forgive the person.

                Forgiveness is a nice thing to have someone do for you. I have had someone do that for me recently. It’s a beautiful gift that only those with the capacity to love with everything they have possess. This person is like me in that respect, loves with all that they have. I took advantage of that when I was going through a confusing time and they were still there to comfort me about problems that were completely unrelated to them and honestly probably hurt them to do so. I am very appreciative and have gained more of an understanding of what I put them through with what happened to me. It was an “aha” moment so to speak.

                I don’t know where my life is heading. I do know that I am thankful that I have been blessed with wonderful friends and a wonderful family to help guide me when I fall. Most of all, God is going to direct my life. He knows what is supposed to happen and what is going to happen and I don’t. While sometimes that’s not so exciting because I love to have control, I have faith that it will turn out how it needs to and for the right reasons.