There is never really a good time to let go of your ego and admit you are wrong. Sometimes I wish everyone had it in them to be forgiving, but unfortunately, that's not how the world works. I still don't understand where everything went wrong, but I guess I am not supposed to understand. It drives me crazy to think something happened that is outside of my control and there is no logical reasoning for it. I told someone today that I hope they are doing well and that as long as they are happy then that is all that matters. It's hard to bring yourself to say that when you don't understand what has happened, but I felt a need to let them know that it is truly about forgiveness. I forgive her. She has made my life so difficult, but also contributed a lot to my life insightfully as well. I learned about a lot of things. I can now take the things I have learned and apply them to my life or think of ways to make life better. I'll always care about her, but I will never forget the way she has made me feel. It's hard not to associate her with negative feelings; feelings of panic, frustration, anger, sadness, etc. but I try to see it as a learning experience and I try to think of it like there is nothing I could have done; which there isn't.
Sometimes you feel you are being pushed...pushed in a direction you may be weary about at first because it's not only a little foreign but also a lot familiar; but then when you decide to follow that direction willingly, wonderful things start to happen in your life. Things start to kinda fall into place and even though you may not be completely 100% comfortable all the time, the uncomfortable is God saying "Okay, so this is what I told you to do, now do it. I don't care if you like it right now. I don't care if you want to go in a different direction. You just need to do what I tell you." Sometimes when your parents tell you to do something when you're little and you don't listen and do what you want to do anyway, bad things happen right? For example, your mom might have told you "Now, don't touch that oven, it's hot. It will burn you." But because you were curious/intrigued, you did it anyway. Then you got burnt. What have you learned from this? You have learned that your curiosity has been fulfilled, but also that your mother was right. So, you then trust that the things your mother has to say and believe they are credible, but sometimes when we're immature in things, we have to try and push the intrigue/curiosity button, knowing something bad is likely to happen to us. Sometimes we have to learn on our own. There are some things that it is okay to do this with, but others are too important. There isn't always going to be that person you thought would be there for you, there, if you decide to push the curiosity button. I was lucky...
I played with fire, I got scorched. Not exactly what I would call fun. It's like a rollercoaster ride on steroids, but it stops on occasion, so it can move backward instead of forward; then you end up getting nowhere. I always wanted to move forward, but it was seen as a desire to move backward, but backward wasn't where I was headed. I just felt starting from square one was important, but it was not happening. I am able to start from square one now because I have essentially had no choice. I have had to re-learn who I am, what I like and don't like; and what is acceptable and unacceptable to me. I sometimes feel like I am living a surreal life, but one day it will feel completely real and satisfaction will take its course.
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