It is the end of April now and I feel still similarly to when I wrote that last blog. I continued to try and make things work with someone I know now that it will never work with. I am stubborn. I can be pretty blind about things too whenever I really care about someone.
I feel like my heart is screaming at me to write. As I start to type, I have zero idea what to say. So I am going to let my hands (my heart) lead instead of my mind. As most of us know, our mind sometimes deceives us. Actually, most of the time it deceives us. Sometimes there is an "angel and devil" sort of reaction that occur between head and heart. I deal with that on a daily basis. My heart says one thing, my mind thinks the opposite and conflicting responses leave me clueless as to what decision to make. Most of the time, something is always holding me back. I never used to be like this. I just seem content with the ebb and flow of my daily life. As a friend of mine once said, just because you think you're happy or fine, doesn't mean you're content...it rather means you're complacent. Maybe complacent is what I truly am with everything. I am so deathly afraid of change right now that I am afraid to push forward. I feel "complacent" with where I am, but that doesn't mean I am content. I know what it takes to be content, so why aren't I doing it?
Being a military brat offered a lot of experience in the realm of change. I think I'm so used to it that I am sick of it. Or maybe, subconciously, because I haven't truly experienced that same type of change for the last 5 years (I've lived in the same state, basically the same scenery), I crave it.
What is life all about, really? Is it about love? Is it about making money? Is it about making others happy over yourself? Is it about friendship and family? I'm pretty sure I have felt the way I have lately because I haven't had a release. I have what I feel like is 1,000 lbs weighing my body down to the ground as I try to stand up. I need the gumption to push up instead of being okay with the fact that I feel like I just can't.
I want to have intense passion for every single last thing that I do again. I want to not be afraid to love with all of my heart. I want to be okay with the fact that the past has failed and accept that the past is no indication of the future for me. Just because people have treated you badly doesn't mean you're worthless and it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated that way ever. I need to teach myself to follow my own words of wisdom.
As I sit on my bedroom floor with my blinds all the way open, the last of the daytime sun peaking through the trees, I am yearning for peace. I am yearning to feel all the time what I feel when I look at the sun peak through those trees; calm, peaceful, inspired. I want to feel like that 1,000 lbs is a feather...
<3
