Life Changes

                Those of you who know me, know that I love to write. Sometimes it is very spur of the moment and other times it is well thought out. The last few months have been quite hectic for me and while I began writing the first couple of those few months, my writing desires tapered off due to distractions; graduation, getting a job, a toxic relationship; you name the issue, I had it. It is now July. I am graduated, I have a job, and the toxic relationship has been over for about a month. It is amazing how much time flies and how much things change in such a short span.

                As I get ready to embark on paying my own bills and living by myself (it doesn’t sound too exciting, but it is a huge milestone), I feel as though my life is at a standstill. Going through  the motions is a regular occurrence; maybe because so much is changing and so fast. Change has been regularity in my life since I was born. I went from Japan to Tennessee, to Washington, to South Carolina, to New York, to Germany, and then lastly, to North Carolina. You would think I would welcome change, wouldn’t mind the occasional chaos, and would embrace all of the baggage that comes along with that. Truth is, I just don’t. I have dealt with a lot of emotional baggage the last few months that I have never in my life thought I would ever have to deal with. God puts people in our lives for a reason, and I’m still not sure of the purpose as to why this person was in my life.

                I mean, let’s be honest, if you know me personally, you have seen me spiral downward since about March. How does one person have the ability to wear someone down emotionally like that, to the point that they feel like it’s all something they did wrong? I have never been so forgiving and loving to another person who just constantly degraded my character and who I am. I just fed into it, like an addiction. It probably was an addiction. Addictions are hard to break, but I lived for those “feel good” moments and discarded the negative in my heart and mind. Isn’t that what drug addicts do? What I was feeding into was a constant need for attention and love from someone who has no capacity to give me anything I will ever want or need, but when that love and attention was shown just a little bit, I thrived on it. I really did love this person with all of my energy and being, therefore, it has been severely tough letting go and realizing that they weren’t good for me and that I apparently  didn’t do much of anything for them. It would have been nice to know that I had somewhat of a positive impact, but the person hates me and I’m not sure why. It is about forgiveness, though, and I forgive the person.

                Forgiveness is a nice thing to have someone do for you. I have had someone do that for me recently. It’s a beautiful gift that only those with the capacity to love with everything they have possess. This person is like me in that respect, loves with all that they have. I took advantage of that when I was going through a confusing time and they were still there to comfort me about problems that were completely unrelated to them and honestly probably hurt them to do so. I am very appreciative and have gained more of an understanding of what I put them through with what happened to me. It was an “aha” moment so to speak.

                I don’t know where my life is heading. I do know that I am thankful that I have been blessed with wonderful friends and a wonderful family to help guide me when I fall. Most of all, God is going to direct my life. He knows what is supposed to happen and what is going to happen and I don’t. While sometimes that’s not so exciting because I love to have control, I have faith that it will turn out how it needs to and for the right reasons.