Grief is a Freight Train

My thoughts are quite scattered at the moment, but I wanted to write, so here it goes...

Life has really changed significantly the last several months and I am so very thankful...

I often take a look back and try to understand where I am coming from so I am able to continuously stay grateful. Things are still hard, but in a different way. 

It has been about a year since I lost my great grandmother, Virginia Calhoun Koonce. My first saved voicemail on my phone is her wishing me a happy birthday in 2012. I worry sometimes that I will lose that voicemail when I trade phones in, coincidentally around the day she passed. I remember everything about her. Growing up, her love and influence was a big part of my life whenever I would visit NC. She taught me a lot about family and taught me a lot about what it was like to age. Similarly, my Ahma (dad's mom) passed around the same time in 2007 at age 60 as I was beginning college. I miss her a lot too. My most vivid memory of both my Ahma and Nanny was the time I helped both of them shell peas and butterbeans together in Nanny's house. It always seemed monumental to me that they were together doing this, since Ahma was dad's mom and Nanny was mom's grandma. My family has always been that way. Very close. Since both of them passed, it seems there has been breakage in closeness. It is amazing what strong women can do to hold family together. 

A lot of things have transpired since my Ahma's death. She was always so proud of my successes, just as she was my father's successes. Even larger things have transpired since August 2012, when my Nanny passed. 

I went from being emotionally and physically abused by someone I thought was right for me to figuring out how to operate on my own, standing firmly, with both feet on the ground. That's a big deal. I try not to discount my strength that I showed in those moments, simply because I did not feel strong. I felt very weak for a long while, really up until about March/April of 2013. 

In February, I met a wonderful woman. Little did I know, she would change my life forever. There has been a lot of fighting with my family, because SHE is a WOMAN, but fighting for who I am and for her has been empowering. 

It's hard to evaluate the closeness with my mother and father from a year or so ago and compare it to right now. It has simply dwindled because I decided to be true to who I am. I struggle with this break in relationship daily, to a point where I don't think they understand the severity of my emotions surrounding it all. I think about my mother and I's relationship, especially, and try to understand. I love my mom with all of my heart, but, unfortunately our relationship has changed because I simply cannot talk about my daily life with her, because it includes a woman and not a man. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it, so I just try not to think about it. 

My relationship with this woman has had its ups and downs but she loves God and I could not feel more blessed on a daily basis by her presence in my life. She is wonderful, beautiful, understanding, sweet and just simply put, everything I have ever desired in another human being. I can see this really working for the long haul. I love her so much. We encourage one another in our walks with Christ and 
lift each other up when we are each feeling weak, as everyone does from time to time. 

I wish my parents were able to see that she really makes me happy. All I can do is show God's love and grace and hope it is shown to me in return. 

I am blessed that I have found a church that I love and that I feel a sense of belonging in. I feel the holy spirit working within me when I step foot in that church and I feel my gifts will soon be utilized as God would have me utilize them. I love children and would eventually love to teach Sunday School for them. I've always had a knack for simplifying things metaphorically so children can apply them to their lives. 

I also am so blessed to have found a dog, just this past Friday, that is finally fitting in my life and it is working well. Those of you who know me well, know that I had a dog named Roxie almost 2 years ago that I had to give up because I couldn't care for her (she had terrible anxiety and was destroying everything). I am thankful for little SiSi (Sienna). She has been a joy thus far and I am excited about my journey with her throughout her life. 

At this point, all I can do is live my life from day to day and take life day to day, trying not to hugely expect too much, just hoping that I am pleasing God all the while. 

Sometimes when we expect too much, life lets us down. But I can tell you, regardless of the grief that strikes in my life, whether it be the loss of family members or disconnect of relationships with family or others, I have made the promise to myself that I will love as hard as I can and always make sure I am kind to others. I am imperfect, so this won't always happen constantly, but it is my ultimate goal. 

A lot of times, sensitivity strikes and I get to feeling extremely weak, but I have to use my mind to bring me back to reality. That's what strength is sometimes right? 

When you feel you're losing strength, the best thing to do is pray. Cry if you have to, but pray. No matter what you say or where you say it, God hears you. God will give you the strength. 

Hands connected to the soul
Expression of love ever divine
Pure to the sound
That love makes

The touch, the beat, the breath
The urgency cross-connects
Beams through your body
Shocking your heart

Entwining 2 to 1
The deeper you go
The harder you fall
Close to every movement
Passion takes over

Breaking the walls
Shattering inhibitions
 
Heart, Mind, Body, Soul
Wide Open

Pouring inward and outward
Deeper isn't enough

Falling harder
Desire to merge
Carries further, no limits
On this love.