L.O.V.E.

I am feeling weird today so I felt like writing about everything that has been weighing on me for the last year. Understanding the way life works is virtually impossible. I hang on the moments that were good because I am trying to find out internally what happened by trying to fix things. I constantly try to have a positive outlook on where my life is going and all I can see is my job and me. I can't really see anything else. The "anything else" used to be so clear to me. I look around me every day and wonder how everyone else is happy in a relationship but mine have seemed to be epic failures; epic failures of unforgiveness, attitude, spite, childishness, lack of understanding. I have been in serious relationships since I was 14. My first adult relationship seemed to be perfect at the age of 19, until halfway through age 21, and then I grew up some more. Maturity can be an eye-opener, sometimes in positive and negative ways. I understand that maybe I just haven't met the person I am supposed to be with. But at this point, my faith in successful relationships is ripped to shreds. I try to put myself out there, try to meet people and when I go to meet them, I feel uneasy because of my past and in turn, I avoid them or avoid the situation in which meeting them would occur.

Being engaged was a huge eye-opener. I enjoyed every minute of that relationship until I realized one day that I wasn't really sure what I wanted and what I was looking for concerning my future. That's when my relationship with him ended. I take 3/4 of the responsibility for that relationship ending; and I had never been the "ender" before. I had always been the one who was told it was over and forced to move forward. Maybe a combination of both has scarred me and I just need more than 8 months to heal. The relationship I tried to have after the engagement ended was an eye opener in that it was new for me and I was trying to compensate for missed feelings I seemed unallowed to express before. I put way too much of myself into someone who said "I love you" but really could have cared less. Believing "I love you" is the hardest thing for me to do now. The only people I believe when that is said are my two best friends and my family; because they will always be there. I hate when people claim they love you and then leave your life as if you meant nothing to them or treat you as if you mean nothing to them.

When I am alone and I sit down and think about the occurences in my life the past year, I feel surreal and it just hurts my heart to the core. I wonder why I made some of the decisions I made. I wonder where I would have ended up if I made different decisions. I wonder if the decisions I made were what God wanted from me. I wonder why I feel discombobulated most days; like my life is a surreal beam of sunlight passing through, like I'm not really here. I desire the past because I simply want to fix it. I have severe xenophobia (moving forward from the past) because I think I will end up alone. I need to cure this fear, but I guess the only way to do that is to love myself enough to put myself out there when I'm ready.

I have tried to move forward a couple times and I seem to always bring myself back to the past because it's comfortable and I truly do still love those people; but I always fail at moving forward. I guess I'm not ready yet.



I've been severely emotionally mistreated and it has destroyed a lot of my faith in people. It has destoryed faith in my own decision-making. It has contributed to the constant empty feeling I experience day to day and I need to know what I can do to fix it. I realize fixing something this huge is not a walk in the park, moreso like a cross-country adventure, but I'm willing to commit to fixing that emotional barrier that has been created.

I want better for myself. I desire so much to be in a successful, committed relationship where compromise, communication, and lots of love takes place. I know I deserve that so I am having issues understanding why that's never been the case. I just want a partnership; where I am not afraid of the possibility of it ending, because there isnt liklihood or hint that it even would. I want to be married and have children and not fight all the time. I want someone who supports me as much I support them and thinks of me as the best thing in their life second to God. I know what I want and now I just need for God to show it to me.

Sometimes I think God is saying "Ok, Kirsten, get past this emotional barrier that's been created and I will show you and it will be very clear" Getting past the barrier is the most difficult obstacle at this point. I need to have enough faith in God and enough love for myself to overcome that barrier.

Writing this makes me want to cry because I know what I have to do, I just don't know how to do it.

I have a dream I've dreamed since I was little in my head about meeting that person and falling in love with them. I so badly want that dream to be realized.

Here goes the process for everything I have ever dreamed of...