Can't Take My Eyes Off You

"Can't Take My Eyes Off You"- Lady Antebellum


 

I know that the bridges that I've burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away
And opening up has always been the hardest thing
Until you came

[Chorus:]
So lay here beside me just hold me and don't let go
This feelin' I'm feelin' is somethin' I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much
I'm falling fast but the truth is I'm not scared at all
You're climbin' my walls

[Chorus]

Off you
Off you

So lay here beside me just hold me and don't let go
Oh, this feelin I'm feelin is somethin' I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Barriers

It is the end of April now and I feel still similarly to when I wrote that last blog. I continued to try and make things work with someone I know now that it will never work with. I am stubborn. I can be pretty blind about things too whenever I really care about someone.

I feel like my heart is screaming at me to write. As I start to type, I have zero idea what to say. So I am going to let my hands (my heart) lead instead of my mind. As most of us know, our mind sometimes deceives us. Actually, most of the time it deceives us. Sometimes there is an "angel and devil" sort of reaction that occur between head and heart. I deal with that on a daily basis. My heart says one thing, my mind thinks the opposite and conflicting responses leave me clueless as to what decision to make. Most of the time, something is always holding me back. I never used to be like this. I just seem content with the ebb and flow of my daily life. As a friend of mine once said, just because you think you're happy or fine, doesn't mean you're content...it rather means you're complacent. Maybe complacent is what I truly am with everything. I am so deathly afraid of change right now that I am afraid to push forward. I feel "complacent" with where I am, but that doesn't mean I am content. I know what it takes to be content, so why aren't I doing it?

Being a military brat offered a lot of experience in the realm of change. I think I'm so used to it that I am sick of it. Or maybe, subconciously, because I haven't truly experienced that same type of change for the last 5 years (I've lived in the same state, basically the same scenery), I crave it.

What is life all about, really? Is it about love? Is it about making money? Is it about making others happy over yourself? Is it about friendship and family? I'm pretty sure I have felt the way I have lately because I haven't had a release. I have what I feel like is 1,000 lbs weighing my body down to the ground as I try to stand up. I need the gumption to push up instead of being okay with the fact that I feel like I just can't.

I want to have intense passion for every single last thing that I do again. I want to not be afraid to love with all of my heart. I want to be okay with the fact that the past has failed and accept that the past is no indication of the future for me.  Just because people have treated you badly doesn't mean you're worthless and it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated that way ever. I need to teach myself to follow my own words of wisdom.

As I sit on my bedroom floor with my blinds all the way open, the last of the daytime sun peaking through the trees, I am yearning for peace. I am yearning to feel all the time what I feel when I look at the sun peak through those trees; calm, peaceful, inspired. I want to feel like that 1,000 lbs is a feather...

<3

L.O.V.E.

I am feeling weird today so I felt like writing about everything that has been weighing on me for the last year. Understanding the way life works is virtually impossible. I hang on the moments that were good because I am trying to find out internally what happened by trying to fix things. I constantly try to have a positive outlook on where my life is going and all I can see is my job and me. I can't really see anything else. The "anything else" used to be so clear to me. I look around me every day and wonder how everyone else is happy in a relationship but mine have seemed to be epic failures; epic failures of unforgiveness, attitude, spite, childishness, lack of understanding. I have been in serious relationships since I was 14. My first adult relationship seemed to be perfect at the age of 19, until halfway through age 21, and then I grew up some more. Maturity can be an eye-opener, sometimes in positive and negative ways. I understand that maybe I just haven't met the person I am supposed to be with. But at this point, my faith in successful relationships is ripped to shreds. I try to put myself out there, try to meet people and when I go to meet them, I feel uneasy because of my past and in turn, I avoid them or avoid the situation in which meeting them would occur.

Being engaged was a huge eye-opener. I enjoyed every minute of that relationship until I realized one day that I wasn't really sure what I wanted and what I was looking for concerning my future. That's when my relationship with him ended. I take 3/4 of the responsibility for that relationship ending; and I had never been the "ender" before. I had always been the one who was told it was over and forced to move forward. Maybe a combination of both has scarred me and I just need more than 8 months to heal. The relationship I tried to have after the engagement ended was an eye opener in that it was new for me and I was trying to compensate for missed feelings I seemed unallowed to express before. I put way too much of myself into someone who said "I love you" but really could have cared less. Believing "I love you" is the hardest thing for me to do now. The only people I believe when that is said are my two best friends and my family; because they will always be there. I hate when people claim they love you and then leave your life as if you meant nothing to them or treat you as if you mean nothing to them.

When I am alone and I sit down and think about the occurences in my life the past year, I feel surreal and it just hurts my heart to the core. I wonder why I made some of the decisions I made. I wonder where I would have ended up if I made different decisions. I wonder if the decisions I made were what God wanted from me. I wonder why I feel discombobulated most days; like my life is a surreal beam of sunlight passing through, like I'm not really here. I desire the past because I simply want to fix it. I have severe xenophobia (moving forward from the past) because I think I will end up alone. I need to cure this fear, but I guess the only way to do that is to love myself enough to put myself out there when I'm ready.

I have tried to move forward a couple times and I seem to always bring myself back to the past because it's comfortable and I truly do still love those people; but I always fail at moving forward. I guess I'm not ready yet.



I've been severely emotionally mistreated and it has destroyed a lot of my faith in people. It has destoryed faith in my own decision-making. It has contributed to the constant empty feeling I experience day to day and I need to know what I can do to fix it. I realize fixing something this huge is not a walk in the park, moreso like a cross-country adventure, but I'm willing to commit to fixing that emotional barrier that has been created.

I want better for myself. I desire so much to be in a successful, committed relationship where compromise, communication, and lots of love takes place. I know I deserve that so I am having issues understanding why that's never been the case. I just want a partnership; where I am not afraid of the possibility of it ending, because there isnt liklihood or hint that it even would. I want to be married and have children and not fight all the time. I want someone who supports me as much I support them and thinks of me as the best thing in their life second to God. I know what I want and now I just need for God to show it to me.

Sometimes I think God is saying "Ok, Kirsten, get past this emotional barrier that's been created and I will show you and it will be very clear" Getting past the barrier is the most difficult obstacle at this point. I need to have enough faith in God and enough love for myself to overcome that barrier.

Writing this makes me want to cry because I know what I have to do, I just don't know how to do it.

I have a dream I've dreamed since I was little in my head about meeting that person and falling in love with them. I so badly want that dream to be realized.

Here goes the process for everything I have ever dreamed of... 

Not Fair...Not Fair at All

The most unfair thing in the entire world is loving someone who doesn't truly love you back. The last several months, I have known the feeling of being ignored by people to who claim to care about me, I have been yelled at by people who claim to care about me, I have been used by people who claim to care about me...the problem is, am I a "glutton for punishment"? I still care for these people. I still love them unconditionally. How do I pull away from that? I know none of that treatment is rightfully deserved on my part, as I continue to give every piece of my heart.

Someone or something is always "better than I am". Why is that? I am constantly hearing "You are too good for this, Kirsten, you deserve better" But then, those people I love coincidentally believe that they deserve better than me. Not sure how ironic you believe this actually is, but for me, it's a habitual circle. One trap that I continuously fall in because I am a "sucker", I am a lover, not a fighter and believe that loving someone with all of your heart and soul is the only way to go. What has to give?

If I could help that I care about these people, I would. I also realize caring about them is a choice, a choice that I seemingly do not want to help. I believe that if I stop caring about and loving them that one day they will need me and I have to be there for those who need me, no matter how I have been treated. This demonstrates, in my opinion, God's love for us and I strive to show that to them every day of my life. It brings a lot of hurt to my heart when I feel like I am only needed temporarily or needed to validate someone's feelings for someone else. What does someone like me do to deal with kind of thing on a daily basis?

Distraction is a wonderful thing, but distraction is obviously not permanent. You want to show someone you love and care for them, but there is only so much you can do before your inner self begins to deteriorate from being so stressed/worn/drained. It's about time for a permanent fix for this. I am tired...

Life is Like This...

Life is definitely a crazy wonder sometimes. A lot has happened in just the last month. My job contract got extended to December of 2012 and I am really hoping I will get a permanent position with bioMérieux at some point. I really like my co-workers and I enjoy the work I am doing. The sad reality has been that I have been at a constant struggle as far as life in general is concerned. Sometimes it feels totally surreal and I wonder if I am doing what I was set out to do. I have been struggling with the concept of love and what it means and who I do love. I have come to realize that some people do nto believe that love conquers all and they just say it does, because it feels good to say and it makes them look less insensitive. The people that love you will always be there for you and love you no matter the circumstance. That is quite rare to find outside of family anymore. Luckily, I think I am on the right path at the moment. Loving yourself is the most important thing first and foremost. I'm learning to love myself even more every day and I am getting better at it. When you can find a man that will love you for who you are, who doesn't want to change you, who think you're absolutely the most perfect creation God has ever made, please hold onto him. Losing people is hard, but if you know they don't truly love you, then it is for the better any way. Trust, it doesn't feel wonderful in the moment, but eventually, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The song of the day is:

Beautiful People by Chris Brown

Listen to it and absorb it. The world around us is a beautiful place and each one of us has a beauty somewhere. Next time you have the chance to stop, breathe in the fresh air from the outside, and thank Almighty God for giving you life even though it sucks sometimes. Life is beautiful.

Sometimes we can't describe the way we feel about anything; at least how others want to hear it. I wish there were more precise words in the dictionary to describe the way I feel at the moment. It's a nice mix of melancholy, carelessness, pain, understanding, realism, and love. Kinda a contradicting mix of feelings to have all at once huh? So, instead of writing all about it because the words aren't quite there to articulate it, I am going to include song lyrics and quotes that describe how I feel at the moment.

Girl it feel like you and I been mourning together
Inseparable, we chose pain over pleasure
For that you'll forever be, part of me
Mind ,body and soul ain't no I in we (baby)
When you cry who wipes your tears
When you scared, who's telling you
"Nothin to fear Girl I'll always be there"
When you need a shoulder to lean on
Never hesitate knowing you can call on, your soul-mate

I've been looking under rocks and breaking locks
Just tryna find ya
I've been like a manic insomniac
5 steps behind you
Tell them other girls, they can hit the exit
Check please...
Cause I finally found the girl of...my dreams
Much more than a Grammy award
That's how much you mean to me

You could be my it girl
Baby you're the shhh girl
Lovin' you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit girl
This it girl
Give me 25 to life
I just wanna rock all night long
And put you in the middle of my spotlight
You could be my it girl
You're my biggest hit girl

You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love

When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder
You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault
Wasn’t in your intentions

You the one here talking to me
You don’t wanna listen
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad
Nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook

Forgive and forget, bitch I already forgot
I'm over the bitch, and she over the top
They say love is the key, somebody changed the lock
Well, and I wish I never met ya
And I heard you're doing you, and you heard I'm doing better
And all I had to do was put two and two together
But that just makes four, but not four-ever, damn
So much for being the perfect couple
I put in overtime, I was working doubles
I wish you the best, good luck boo
Weezy F, for fuck you

Got this feeling in my heart,
Thats yearning for you
I hope that you feel the same
This yearning that I do.
If you love me
like you say you do
why don't you show me
just how much you do
If you love me unconditionally
Say that you always, always be with me

Somethin' You Forgot

Somethin' You Forgot- Lil Wayne

[Chorus] (Lil' Wayne)
I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you
I'm pretending, and that's all I can do (that's all I can do mama)
The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart (I hope you hear me)

[Lil' Wayne]
Pain, since I've lost you, I'm lost too
Nigga feelin' like he at the bottom like a horse shoe
Sorry for the trouble that I put you and your heart through
God knows that I'd do anything for a part two, or to
be prayin' for the day you come back to me, sayin' that you forgive me
Give me another chance, I'm needin' it like a kidney
I don't wanna advance, give me back her hands
Give me back her touch, I don't ask for much
but I fucked up, I know I fucked up, I admit I fucked up
but everybody fuck up, now this other nigga lucked up
Tellin' me and my clique don't give a fuck
Cause um, we from New Orleans, she was from Georgia
She was my down chick, I was her soldier
I was her gangsta, she was my shoulder
You were the pistol to my holster .. BANG!

[Chorus] (Lil' Wayne)
You've been hiding, never letting it show
Always trying, to keep it under control (I see you hidin' it mama)
You got it down, and your well on your way to the top (keep doin' your thing)
but there is something you forgot

[Lil' Wayne]
You forgot about the house, you forgot about the ring
I remember everything, I just wanna hear you sing
I remember the love, right after the fights
You can't tell me you don't remember those nights
and if I would cry, then you would cry twice
To me you are the brightest star under sunlight
See take away my title, take away my stripes
You give me back my girl and you give me back my life
Give me back my girl and you give me back my life
See this is just a nightmare, so I blink twice
Open up my eyes hopin' she'd be in my sight
I remember the time, I wish I could bring it back
What she mean to me, is what I mean to rap (what I mean to rap)

[Chorus] (Lil' Wayne)
You've been hiding, (y'know) never letting it show
Always trying (I see you hidin' it mama)
to keep it under control (but I know you know)
You got it down (I know you do)
and your well on your way to the top
(but I wish you and yours nothin' but happiness shawty)

[Verse 3:]
But I hope you haven't forgot about me up in the livin' room watchin' Sports Center
You were cookin' dinner, I was such a sinner, but the Lord is a forgiver
You know they say if you pray then you can get your blessings ordered and delivered
and your boyfriend is not like me
Ma you even went and got a teardrop like me
I remember we would sit at home all day
You called me "Butta", I called you "Bay"
My momma asked about you, my partners did too
I know your daughter will be so amazin' like you
and I know you probably wish you never met me, and I just wish you never forget me
and let me say, please don't worry 'bout the women I have been with
No engagement can amount to your friendship
and I hope that nigga know he got a queen, and all I can do is dream .. damn
[Chorus]
I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you
I'm pretending, and that's all I can do
The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart