Sunday, October 30, 2011

Not Fair...Not Fair at All

The most unfair thing in the entire world is loving someone who doesn't truly love you back. The last several months, I have known the feeling of being ignored by people to who claim to care about me, I have been yelled at by people who claim to care about me, I have been used by people who claim to care about me...the problem is, am I a "glutton for punishment"? I still care for these people. I still love them unconditionally. How do I pull away from that? I know none of that treatment is rightfully deserved on my part, as I continue to give every piece of my heart.

Someone or something is always "better than I am". Why is that? I am constantly hearing "You are too good for this, Kirsten, you deserve better" But then, those people I love coincidentally believe that they deserve better than me. Not sure how ironic you believe this actually is, but for me, it's a habitual circle. One trap that I continuously fall in because I am a "sucker", I am a lover, not a fighter and believe that loving someone with all of your heart and soul is the only way to go. What has to give?

If I could help that I care about these people, I would. I also realize caring about them is a choice, a choice that I seemingly do not want to help. I believe that if I stop caring about and loving them that one day they will need me and I have to be there for those who need me, no matter how I have been treated. This demonstrates, in my opinion, God's love for us and I strive to show that to them every day of my life. It brings a lot of hurt to my heart when I feel like I am only needed temporarily or needed to validate someone's feelings for someone else. What does someone like me do to deal with kind of thing on a daily basis?


Distraction is a wonderful thing, but distraction is obviously not permanent. You want to show someone you love and care for them, but there is only so much you can do before your inner self begins to deteriorate from being so stressed/worn/drained. It's about time for a permanent fix for this. I am tired...
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Location: Raleigh, NC, USA

1 comment:

  1. AnonymousNovember 16, 2011 at 9:05 AM

    The reality is that some people are going to fall short of our expectations. They're human. We're human. Our expectations can be too high or too low. They can do/not do things intentionally or unintentionally. There are SO many factors that play into a situation. We usually only look at the big ones when really its the little ones that make the final call.

    I think that you are a wonderful person and you've got a great head on your shoulders. I don't believe everything happens for a reason, and I'm not going to try to tell you that it does. What is true, at least for me, is that we have the opportunity to learn from every situation. If you take the time for yourself to reflect and find where your strength is hiding to get through this, you will come out better in the end.

    We are still so young! I think I realize a little more everyday how much I don't know. It's nerve-wracking to feel like I thought I would have everything together but now. Experience is the glue to life. It really is. Eventually all of these experiences are going to be the glue that finally holds us together when things are falling apart.

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