Not Fair...Not Fair at All

The most unfair thing in the entire world is loving someone who doesn't truly love you back. The last several months, I have known the feeling of being ignored by people to who claim to care about me, I have been yelled at by people who claim to care about me, I have been used by people who claim to care about me...the problem is, am I a "glutton for punishment"? I still care for these people. I still love them unconditionally. How do I pull away from that? I know none of that treatment is rightfully deserved on my part, as I continue to give every piece of my heart.

Someone or something is always "better than I am". Why is that? I am constantly hearing "You are too good for this, Kirsten, you deserve better" But then, those people I love coincidentally believe that they deserve better than me. Not sure how ironic you believe this actually is, but for me, it's a habitual circle. One trap that I continuously fall in because I am a "sucker", I am a lover, not a fighter and believe that loving someone with all of your heart and soul is the only way to go. What has to give?

If I could help that I care about these people, I would. I also realize caring about them is a choice, a choice that I seemingly do not want to help. I believe that if I stop caring about and loving them that one day they will need me and I have to be there for those who need me, no matter how I have been treated. This demonstrates, in my opinion, God's love for us and I strive to show that to them every day of my life. It brings a lot of hurt to my heart when I feel like I am only needed temporarily or needed to validate someone's feelings for someone else. What does someone like me do to deal with kind of thing on a daily basis?

Distraction is a wonderful thing, but distraction is obviously not permanent. You want to show someone you love and care for them, but there is only so much you can do before your inner self begins to deteriorate from being so stressed/worn/drained. It's about time for a permanent fix for this. I am tired...

Life is Like This...

Life is definitely a crazy wonder sometimes. A lot has happened in just the last month. My job contract got extended to December of 2012 and I am really hoping I will get a permanent position with bioMérieux at some point. I really like my co-workers and I enjoy the work I am doing. The sad reality has been that I have been at a constant struggle as far as life in general is concerned. Sometimes it feels totally surreal and I wonder if I am doing what I was set out to do. I have been struggling with the concept of love and what it means and who I do love. I have come to realize that some people do nto believe that love conquers all and they just say it does, because it feels good to say and it makes them look less insensitive. The people that love you will always be there for you and love you no matter the circumstance. That is quite rare to find outside of family anymore. Luckily, I think I am on the right path at the moment. Loving yourself is the most important thing first and foremost. I'm learning to love myself even more every day and I am getting better at it. When you can find a man that will love you for who you are, who doesn't want to change you, who think you're absolutely the most perfect creation God has ever made, please hold onto him. Losing people is hard, but if you know they don't truly love you, then it is for the better any way. Trust, it doesn't feel wonderful in the moment, but eventually, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The song of the day is:

Beautiful People by Chris Brown

Listen to it and absorb it. The world around us is a beautiful place and each one of us has a beauty somewhere. Next time you have the chance to stop, breathe in the fresh air from the outside, and thank Almighty God for giving you life even though it sucks sometimes. Life is beautiful.