Grief is a Freight Train

My thoughts are quite scattered at the moment, but I wanted to write, so here it goes...

Life has really changed significantly the last several months and I am so very thankful...

I often take a look back and try to understand where I am coming from so I am able to continuously stay grateful. Things are still hard, but in a different way. 

It has been about a year since I lost my great grandmother, Virginia Calhoun Koonce. My first saved voicemail on my phone is her wishing me a happy birthday in 2012. I worry sometimes that I will lose that voicemail when I trade phones in, coincidentally around the day she passed. I remember everything about her. Growing up, her love and influence was a big part of my life whenever I would visit NC. She taught me a lot about family and taught me a lot about what it was like to age. Similarly, my Ahma (dad's mom) passed around the same time in 2007 at age 60 as I was beginning college. I miss her a lot too. My most vivid memory of both my Ahma and Nanny was the time I helped both of them shell peas and butterbeans together in Nanny's house. It always seemed monumental to me that they were together doing this, since Ahma was dad's mom and Nanny was mom's grandma. My family has always been that way. Very close. Since both of them passed, it seems there has been breakage in closeness. It is amazing what strong women can do to hold family together. 

A lot of things have transpired since my Ahma's death. She was always so proud of my successes, just as she was my father's successes. Even larger things have transpired since August 2012, when my Nanny passed. 

I went from being emotionally and physically abused by someone I thought was right for me to figuring out how to operate on my own, standing firmly, with both feet on the ground. That's a big deal. I try not to discount my strength that I showed in those moments, simply because I did not feel strong. I felt very weak for a long while, really up until about March/April of 2013. 

In February, I met a wonderful woman. Little did I know, she would change my life forever. There has been a lot of fighting with my family, because SHE is a WOMAN, but fighting for who I am and for her has been empowering. 

It's hard to evaluate the closeness with my mother and father from a year or so ago and compare it to right now. It has simply dwindled because I decided to be true to who I am. I struggle with this break in relationship daily, to a point where I don't think they understand the severity of my emotions surrounding it all. I think about my mother and I's relationship, especially, and try to understand. I love my mom with all of my heart, but, unfortunately our relationship has changed because I simply cannot talk about my daily life with her, because it includes a woman and not a man. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it, so I just try not to think about it. 

My relationship with this woman has had its ups and downs but she loves God and I could not feel more blessed on a daily basis by her presence in my life. She is wonderful, beautiful, understanding, sweet and just simply put, everything I have ever desired in another human being. I can see this really working for the long haul. I love her so much. We encourage one another in our walks with Christ and 
lift each other up when we are each feeling weak, as everyone does from time to time. 

I wish my parents were able to see that she really makes me happy. All I can do is show God's love and grace and hope it is shown to me in return. 

I am blessed that I have found a church that I love and that I feel a sense of belonging in. I feel the holy spirit working within me when I step foot in that church and I feel my gifts will soon be utilized as God would have me utilize them. I love children and would eventually love to teach Sunday School for them. I've always had a knack for simplifying things metaphorically so children can apply them to their lives. 

I also am so blessed to have found a dog, just this past Friday, that is finally fitting in my life and it is working well. Those of you who know me well, know that I had a dog named Roxie almost 2 years ago that I had to give up because I couldn't care for her (she had terrible anxiety and was destroying everything). I am thankful for little SiSi (Sienna). She has been a joy thus far and I am excited about my journey with her throughout her life. 

At this point, all I can do is live my life from day to day and take life day to day, trying not to hugely expect too much, just hoping that I am pleasing God all the while. 

Sometimes when we expect too much, life lets us down. But I can tell you, regardless of the grief that strikes in my life, whether it be the loss of family members or disconnect of relationships with family or others, I have made the promise to myself that I will love as hard as I can and always make sure I am kind to others. I am imperfect, so this won't always happen constantly, but it is my ultimate goal. 

A lot of times, sensitivity strikes and I get to feeling extremely weak, but I have to use my mind to bring me back to reality. That's what strength is sometimes right? 

When you feel you're losing strength, the best thing to do is pray. Cry if you have to, but pray. No matter what you say or where you say it, God hears you. God will give you the strength. 

Hands connected to the soul
Expression of love ever divine
Pure to the sound
That love makes

The touch, the beat, the breath
The urgency cross-connects
Beams through your body
Shocking your heart

Entwining 2 to 1
The deeper you go
The harder you fall
Close to every movement
Passion takes over

Breaking the walls
Shattering inhibitions
 
Heart, Mind, Body, Soul
Wide Open

Pouring inward and outward
Deeper isn't enough

Falling harder
Desire to merge
Carries further, no limits
On this love.

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

"Can't Take My Eyes Off You"- Lady Antebellum


 

I know that the bridges that I've burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away
And opening up has always been the hardest thing
Until you came

[Chorus:]
So lay here beside me just hold me and don't let go
This feelin' I'm feelin' is somethin' I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much
I'm falling fast but the truth is I'm not scared at all
You're climbin' my walls

[Chorus]

Off you
Off you

So lay here beside me just hold me and don't let go
Oh, this feelin I'm feelin is somethin' I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Barriers

It is the end of April now and I feel still similarly to when I wrote that last blog. I continued to try and make things work with someone I know now that it will never work with. I am stubborn. I can be pretty blind about things too whenever I really care about someone.

I feel like my heart is screaming at me to write. As I start to type, I have zero idea what to say. So I am going to let my hands (my heart) lead instead of my mind. As most of us know, our mind sometimes deceives us. Actually, most of the time it deceives us. Sometimes there is an "angel and devil" sort of reaction that occur between head and heart. I deal with that on a daily basis. My heart says one thing, my mind thinks the opposite and conflicting responses leave me clueless as to what decision to make. Most of the time, something is always holding me back. I never used to be like this. I just seem content with the ebb and flow of my daily life. As a friend of mine once said, just because you think you're happy or fine, doesn't mean you're content...it rather means you're complacent. Maybe complacent is what I truly am with everything. I am so deathly afraid of change right now that I am afraid to push forward. I feel "complacent" with where I am, but that doesn't mean I am content. I know what it takes to be content, so why aren't I doing it?

Being a military brat offered a lot of experience in the realm of change. I think I'm so used to it that I am sick of it. Or maybe, subconciously, because I haven't truly experienced that same type of change for the last 5 years (I've lived in the same state, basically the same scenery), I crave it.

What is life all about, really? Is it about love? Is it about making money? Is it about making others happy over yourself? Is it about friendship and family? I'm pretty sure I have felt the way I have lately because I haven't had a release. I have what I feel like is 1,000 lbs weighing my body down to the ground as I try to stand up. I need the gumption to push up instead of being okay with the fact that I feel like I just can't.

I want to have intense passion for every single last thing that I do again. I want to not be afraid to love with all of my heart. I want to be okay with the fact that the past has failed and accept that the past is no indication of the future for me.  Just because people have treated you badly doesn't mean you're worthless and it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated that way ever. I need to teach myself to follow my own words of wisdom.

As I sit on my bedroom floor with my blinds all the way open, the last of the daytime sun peaking through the trees, I am yearning for peace. I am yearning to feel all the time what I feel when I look at the sun peak through those trees; calm, peaceful, inspired. I want to feel like that 1,000 lbs is a feather...

<3

L.O.V.E.

I am feeling weird today so I felt like writing about everything that has been weighing on me for the last year. Understanding the way life works is virtually impossible. I hang on the moments that were good because I am trying to find out internally what happened by trying to fix things. I constantly try to have a positive outlook on where my life is going and all I can see is my job and me. I can't really see anything else. The "anything else" used to be so clear to me. I look around me every day and wonder how everyone else is happy in a relationship but mine have seemed to be epic failures; epic failures of unforgiveness, attitude, spite, childishness, lack of understanding. I have been in serious relationships since I was 14. My first adult relationship seemed to be perfect at the age of 19, until halfway through age 21, and then I grew up some more. Maturity can be an eye-opener, sometimes in positive and negative ways. I understand that maybe I just haven't met the person I am supposed to be with. But at this point, my faith in successful relationships is ripped to shreds. I try to put myself out there, try to meet people and when I go to meet them, I feel uneasy because of my past and in turn, I avoid them or avoid the situation in which meeting them would occur.

Being engaged was a huge eye-opener. I enjoyed every minute of that relationship until I realized one day that I wasn't really sure what I wanted and what I was looking for concerning my future. That's when my relationship with him ended. I take 3/4 of the responsibility for that relationship ending; and I had never been the "ender" before. I had always been the one who was told it was over and forced to move forward. Maybe a combination of both has scarred me and I just need more than 8 months to heal. The relationship I tried to have after the engagement ended was an eye opener in that it was new for me and I was trying to compensate for missed feelings I seemed unallowed to express before. I put way too much of myself into someone who said "I love you" but really could have cared less. Believing "I love you" is the hardest thing for me to do now. The only people I believe when that is said are my two best friends and my family; because they will always be there. I hate when people claim they love you and then leave your life as if you meant nothing to them or treat you as if you mean nothing to them.

When I am alone and I sit down and think about the occurences in my life the past year, I feel surreal and it just hurts my heart to the core. I wonder why I made some of the decisions I made. I wonder where I would have ended up if I made different decisions. I wonder if the decisions I made were what God wanted from me. I wonder why I feel discombobulated most days; like my life is a surreal beam of sunlight passing through, like I'm not really here. I desire the past because I simply want to fix it. I have severe xenophobia (moving forward from the past) because I think I will end up alone. I need to cure this fear, but I guess the only way to do that is to love myself enough to put myself out there when I'm ready.

I have tried to move forward a couple times and I seem to always bring myself back to the past because it's comfortable and I truly do still love those people; but I always fail at moving forward. I guess I'm not ready yet.



I've been severely emotionally mistreated and it has destroyed a lot of my faith in people. It has destoryed faith in my own decision-making. It has contributed to the constant empty feeling I experience day to day and I need to know what I can do to fix it. I realize fixing something this huge is not a walk in the park, moreso like a cross-country adventure, but I'm willing to commit to fixing that emotional barrier that has been created.

I want better for myself. I desire so much to be in a successful, committed relationship where compromise, communication, and lots of love takes place. I know I deserve that so I am having issues understanding why that's never been the case. I just want a partnership; where I am not afraid of the possibility of it ending, because there isnt liklihood or hint that it even would. I want to be married and have children and not fight all the time. I want someone who supports me as much I support them and thinks of me as the best thing in their life second to God. I know what I want and now I just need for God to show it to me.

Sometimes I think God is saying "Ok, Kirsten, get past this emotional barrier that's been created and I will show you and it will be very clear" Getting past the barrier is the most difficult obstacle at this point. I need to have enough faith in God and enough love for myself to overcome that barrier.

Writing this makes me want to cry because I know what I have to do, I just don't know how to do it.

I have a dream I've dreamed since I was little in my head about meeting that person and falling in love with them. I so badly want that dream to be realized.

Here goes the process for everything I have ever dreamed of... 

Not Fair...Not Fair at All

The most unfair thing in the entire world is loving someone who doesn't truly love you back. The last several months, I have known the feeling of being ignored by people to who claim to care about me, I have been yelled at by people who claim to care about me, I have been used by people who claim to care about me...the problem is, am I a "glutton for punishment"? I still care for these people. I still love them unconditionally. How do I pull away from that? I know none of that treatment is rightfully deserved on my part, as I continue to give every piece of my heart.

Someone or something is always "better than I am". Why is that? I am constantly hearing "You are too good for this, Kirsten, you deserve better" But then, those people I love coincidentally believe that they deserve better than me. Not sure how ironic you believe this actually is, but for me, it's a habitual circle. One trap that I continuously fall in because I am a "sucker", I am a lover, not a fighter and believe that loving someone with all of your heart and soul is the only way to go. What has to give?

If I could help that I care about these people, I would. I also realize caring about them is a choice, a choice that I seemingly do not want to help. I believe that if I stop caring about and loving them that one day they will need me and I have to be there for those who need me, no matter how I have been treated. This demonstrates, in my opinion, God's love for us and I strive to show that to them every day of my life. It brings a lot of hurt to my heart when I feel like I am only needed temporarily or needed to validate someone's feelings for someone else. What does someone like me do to deal with kind of thing on a daily basis?

Distraction is a wonderful thing, but distraction is obviously not permanent. You want to show someone you love and care for them, but there is only so much you can do before your inner self begins to deteriorate from being so stressed/worn/drained. It's about time for a permanent fix for this. I am tired...

Life is Like This...

Life is definitely a crazy wonder sometimes. A lot has happened in just the last month. My job contract got extended to December of 2012 and I am really hoping I will get a permanent position with bioMérieux at some point. I really like my co-workers and I enjoy the work I am doing. The sad reality has been that I have been at a constant struggle as far as life in general is concerned. Sometimes it feels totally surreal and I wonder if I am doing what I was set out to do. I have been struggling with the concept of love and what it means and who I do love. I have come to realize that some people do nto believe that love conquers all and they just say it does, because it feels good to say and it makes them look less insensitive. The people that love you will always be there for you and love you no matter the circumstance. That is quite rare to find outside of family anymore. Luckily, I think I am on the right path at the moment. Loving yourself is the most important thing first and foremost. I'm learning to love myself even more every day and I am getting better at it. When you can find a man that will love you for who you are, who doesn't want to change you, who think you're absolutely the most perfect creation God has ever made, please hold onto him. Losing people is hard, but if you know they don't truly love you, then it is for the better any way. Trust, it doesn't feel wonderful in the moment, but eventually, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The song of the day is:

Beautiful People by Chris Brown

Listen to it and absorb it. The world around us is a beautiful place and each one of us has a beauty somewhere. Next time you have the chance to stop, breathe in the fresh air from the outside, and thank Almighty God for giving you life even though it sucks sometimes. Life is beautiful.